gobbledygook

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Gobbledygook

Just for fun

Good One!

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

November 24, 2008

Over the Hill

As yesterday was my 65th birthday I am now solidly in the ranks of the senior citizens or as I insist “seasoned” citizens. This morning I was exposed to my future. I am sitting in a Panera’s Bakery (for those unfamiliar they are more than a bakery, they offer breakfast, lunch, Internet, etc.). An older couple just walked in, the women to the counter and the man to a table. I glance over and notice he has walked in with a Panera coffee cup which his slyly had hidden in his hat.

As the women comes from the counter with a muffin and empty coffee cup to fill he moves from the table and fills his contraband cup as well. Is he cheap, a crook, senile or just, well a seasoned citizen? God help me.

The irony is that at Panera’s the refills are free so you can drink as much as you want, which of course I do each morning, but heck I do buy a new cup each day. Could it be their logic was that since she could have as many cups as she liked for her purchase it didn't matter that she shared those refills with her hubby? Now there is senior logic in action.

November 7, 2008

In Defense of Home Fries

Just as I did with my dissertation on the much maligned fruit cake (see below), I believe it is time to come to the defense of the home fried potato.

homefries Is there any meal more enjoyable especially while traveling or on vacation than breakfast and can there be a proper American breakfast without home fires (grits being the occasional exception)? What can be more appetizing than a meal loaded with carbs, fat and cholesterol, there is a reason it tastes so good.

The problem arises in the misappropriation and identification of the home fry. In fact, I have come to realize that many restruantaurs do not know the difference between home fries and hash browns and use the term interchangeably. To make matters worse some of our illustrious fast food chains have further muddied the waters by calling a deep fried preformed oval patty or in some cases what amounts to a Tater Tot ®, hash browns. There is a further anomaly appearing at restaurants run by lazy cooks, which is the dreaded pre cut frozen square piece of potato that is deep fried and then called home fries. Oh the shame. I won’t even gloss over the (relatively) few establishments that serve French fries with their omelets.

Now, for the proper home fries you need red potatoes, onion, salt and pepper, perhaps a little paprika, and if so inclined, some green and red pepper (although in some quarters that makes them O’Brien potatoes), plus butter and oil. Par boil the spuds, slice them fairly thick then simply fry everything in a skillet. The objective is to create crispy pieces of stuff, but not to harden the potatoes and not to burn the onions or peppers.

For hash browns you simply shred potatoes (watch your fingers), dry them a bit, mix in a little onion if you like, but not typical. Take the shredded potatoes and place them in a skillet and fry on both sides trying to only turn them once so both sides are crispy and the patty holds together.

Whatever your preference, home fries or hash browns, enjoy, but by all means shun the Tater Tots ® and decry the frozen imitators. Lest you have your breakfast ruined I have found that it always pays to ask for a definition of home fries from the establishment before ordering.

What the heck is it? "When you say home fries, what do you mean?" "You know, they are shredded potatoes that are fried."

"You mean hash browns, right?" "No hash browns are at McDonalds."

I’m outta here!

You know you are in trouble…

when your spouse takes you to the mall shopping and to return previous purchases, wait that’s not it.

You know you are in trouble when you enter the Brooks Brothers store and the salesmen walks up to your wife and says, “Hi Connie.”

WomanizerWomanizerWomanizerWomanizerWomanizerWomanizerYou'reaWomanizer

I was delighted to learn last night on ABC TV that Britney Spears is back with a new video. In this time of economic crisis, war and terrorism what could be more important? If Womanizer with its endless repeating of the word “womanizer” is an indication of our tastes in music or cultural icons for that matter we are in big trouble, I’d rather watch my 401(K) plummet. Womanizer features Spears nude in a sauna, as a naughty secretary, tattooed waitress and a near-topless chauffeur all no doubt essential elements of good music. I suspect that music videos, including this one, are designed to mask the horrible music with equally horrible visual presentations. In this case staring at a nude Spears writhing on a bench in a sauna may just distract you from the endless repetition in the mindless music.

The Dumbest Car in America

I have been contemplating a serious issue. Which is the dumbest car (vehicle) in America? Admittedly there are a number of candidates, like the Viper or some of those ugly boxes that look like jazzed up hearses, but on reflection they have their special niche.

So, I have narrowed my selection for the dumbest car in America to the Cadillac Escalade and the Hummer, both of which start at about $58,000.

And the winner is…the Escalade!

The Hummer after all makes no bones about what it is, a big ugly 8,000 pound truck like vehicle that makes little pretense of being a luxury vehicle, quite the contrary as part of the appeal is the rugged, adventure, military ambiance.

Back to the Escalade, why would anyone in their right mind buy a truck that pretends to be a luxury car and spend upwards of $60,000 to do so? Actually some models start at nearly $80,000. On the other hand, that includes a 10-speaker Bose® 5.1 Cabin Surround® Sound System with CD/DVD player and in-dash 6-disc CD changer; Tri-zone automatic electronic climate control; and more.

No doubt they are all essential for climbing mountains, transporting cargo across the desert and maneuvering in standing water.

I couldn’t find the EPA mileage figures on the Cadillac site Wonder why?), but another site said it was 9 city and 14 on the highway and hey, with 409 horsepower that seems reasonable. It has a 26 gallon tank so you are free to roam for about 234 miles, while listening to your Bose® surround sound system. And from what I have experienced at a volume that is sufficiently loud to drown out any calls of, “Hey stupid, don’t you know there is a gas crisis?”

Plug in your iPod, activate your hands free phone, set your GPS and head for the nearest nail salon all in the comfort your your grand off road vehicle.

“All of our representatives are busy assisting other customers,” sound familiar?

“Your call is important to us, please stay on the phone.” Funny, I don’t feel important. “We are experiencing unusually high caller volume.” Yeah, right. If you have such high call volume maybe all your services are screwed up and that’s why so many people have to talk to the next available representative.

I just spent 15 minutes (yes I timed it) on the phone with Chase Bank waiting to be one of those lucky customers. When I finally got to a real person, I was put on hold to be transferred to another person. But there is a game you have to play just to hear that uplifting message, you have to figure out the correct number to enter, and it truly appears that they have the systems designed to keep you in a never ending loop. Take notice the next time you get into a voice system how infrequently you hear the instructions on how to get to a real person. There are times I feel like I am building a meaningful relationship with the digital voice (notice it is always a women).

Of course when you do figure out how to reach a representative they are always “assisting…” After banging your phone for a while try just #0 or *0 or even 88 at any point. Of course you run the risk of going back to the top of the tree or worse being asked if you want to hear the instructions in English. Are there fewer customers being assisted on the Spanish line, I wonder?

I have a solution, if my call is so important then put more customer service representatives on the damn phone. Of course, my call is not important, they don’t want to talk to me for fear that I may have a questions or problem that pressing 1, or 6, or 8 will not resolve and instead requires some human being to think and that generally presents a problem.

The next time you reach a customer service representative, try this, ask if they can hold for a few minutes as you now have to take a pee. Then you will find out just how important you really are.

I Have Figured out Politics!

I have it, I have figured it out, and I now know the difference between a conservative and a liberal.

A conservative overestimates the intelligence and common sense of the average person and thus believes they are capable of 100% responsibility for their actions.

The liberal underestimates the intelligence and common sense of the average person and thus believes they are capable of no responsibility for their actions.

All is right with the world, now all we have to do is get the liberals and the conservatives to explain their theories to the average person, after the election of course.

A Seasoned Citizen’s Prayer

praying

Dear Lord, now that I have made it this far, I want you to know I appreciate it. However, if I may I do have a few requests. It’s not that I am greedy mind you, its’ just that I have a strong desire to keep my dignity.

Lord, if wandering a beach with a metal detector is in my future, please don’t make me wear wing tipped shoes and knee length dress socks.

When I am hungry please make it a few hours after 4:30, even if I miss the early bird special. Lord, if I am destined to use coupons at my meals may they be for food I actually want to eat.

If I attend a wedding, or other gathering help me avoid bringing along a plastic bag to take home leftovers.

And, Lord, help me to remember that my waist is not two inches below my arm pits.

Now that I am on a fixed income would it be too much to ask that a few of my expenses also remain fixed.

On my next vacation, please don’t let me be the youngest person on the tour.

If you forget who I am, Lord just ask, I really don’t want to wear a badge reading, “Hello, my name is…”

If I dine in a fast food restaurant, please give me the strength to avoid helping myself to a few dozen packets of salt, pepper and catsup.

Lord, may I never be eligible to park in a disabled spot (but look the other way if I do anyway).

May the car I drive not be so big I cannot see over the steering wheel, and when I do drive, keep me at the speed limit.

And finally Lord, when you do decide to pull the rug from under me, please give me advance notice so I do not go down doing something stupid (especially wearing a baseball cap reading CSV 235).

One more thing, ah one more thing, what was it again, oh yes the memory thing.

Amen

A Declaration

As I approach age 65, I have made a decision, nay a declaration. From this day forward, the term senior citizen is forbidden.

Henceforth, the correct term is Seasoned Citizen. Rise up those of you who have had the pleasure of spending six or more decades on this planet, you are not elderly, you are not old, you are experienced and seasoned.

The world needs us and even though we may delight in “senior” discounts at the movies, on public transportation, at National Parks and even in restaurants, we still have all the money- - - - even if we eat dinner at 5:00 PM to savor the early bird special.

The Undertall Syndrome

This problem, assuming you see it that way, of being overweight or in a somewhat less politically correct terminology, fat may not be what it seems.

There is a large body of evidence out there that clearly shows the problem is not people being overweight, but rather undertall. Yes, you heard it right, thinking out of the box as they say. Not convinced, well consider this. If you use a Body Mass Index (BMI) calculator and you are 5’5” and weigh 200 pounds your BMI is 33.3 and you are obese plain and simple, but if you grow to 6’4” your BMI drops to 24.3 and you are right in the correct weight zone.

Now, this is not an entirely new idea. Back in the 1930s Laurel and Hardy had a movie again proving this point. Both were jailed in a dungeon, Oliver was placed on a rack and stretched to well over six feet. Stan was squeezed in a press. One walked out taller and thinner and the other shorter and now overweight. Hey, we are talking 1930s technology here.

Even if you don’t buy the BMI theory, how about considering the waist line methodology? Experts say a generous waistline is even a better indicator of poor health potential and suggest that men should have a waist less than 40 inches. That too fits nicely into the undertall theory because if you take a person 5’5” and raise them to 6’ the extra inches have to come from some place and where else but the middle? So there you have it the 42” waist simply has to shrink to 35” to allow for the 7” growth.

This vital information is probably not something you want to share widely, it could devastate the diet industry and I don’t want to end up on some weight control system hit list. Feel free to use the undertall theory for your personal use and you probably also want to share it with your doctor, especially your plastic surgeon.

P.S. I cannot take credit for this methodology, it was first developed (or revitalized after the 1930s) by my friend Curt who claims to suffer from the aforementioned condition.

Ops, I have to go now, my 3rd pounder is ready. "Will you super-size the fries please." Please hand me the salt, I'm too short to reach it.

Just Another Fruitcake

My wife says that I am cheap and in as much as I can easily fall asleep behind the rubber plant in the corner of any room during a raging party, I must be dull as well. In fact, at a house party the first friendly contact I make is generally with the family pet, preferably a dog. I am allergic to cats and have little use for them in any case. There, now I have offended yet another group of people.

I have one other major flaw (among many minor ones). I like fruitcake. The more fruit the better, especially candied cherries. Fruitcake gets a bad rap, mostly from people who have never tried it. What’s not to like? You have a moist dark cake, loaded with nuts and pieces of candied fruit and with any luck lots of whiskey or other suitable spirit. Moreover, how many other cakes do you know of that can be used in a weightlifting regimen? There is no doubt many fruitcake lovers are still in the closet. After all, they don’t make fruitcake just to take up shelf space during the holidays…or do they. Perhaps that’s a concept for further reflection. Why there is even a Miss Fruitcake, in 2005, it was Courtney Sheffield and her mission is to “stop fruitcake abuse wherever it occurs”. Somebody besides me must buy fruitcake but I am still on a quest to find the person who will admit it.

Now if you think this is a one-man effort to bring the fruitcake out of obscurity, think again and visit: http://www.ilovefruitcake.com

My wife whips up a mean fruitcake (still some in the freezer from last Christmas) by creatively using a date nut bread mix with a personal touch, including extra candied cherries. I don’t even have to go out in public to get my fruitcake fix; yet eating a piece in front of my family has been traumatic at times. “Would you like a piece,” I always ask. “No thanks” or simply “Are you kidding,” is a typical reaction. That’s not quite true; the typical reaction is “yuck.”

I must admit that there appears to be a considerable amount of fruitcake leftover after Christmas and if my memory serves me well, most of it is in the A&P stores, or at least it used to be before the Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company went the way of Ford (oops, getting ahead of myself). Given that one can buy imported fruitcake (the German variety weighing about five pounds per square inch is a favorite) there would appear to be an international demand as well. That is, unless everyone ships their fruitcakes to be consumed by ten or twelve Americans. Like many other holiday treats fruitcake goes on sale after Christmas, so there appears no reason to pay full price. I suspect that fruitcake purchased at 50% off in February or March can be preserved with little effort until the following December. That is a theory mind you; I have not tested it out yet. I pushed my luck once seeking a 75% discount in April, but by then the bloom was off the fruitcake and it was no where to be found. It’s like looking for a pumpkin around Easter.

Just because I like fruitcake, I don’t want you to think I am a health food nut. However, with cholesterol twice as high as my IQ (no it is not under 200), I do watch what I eat. The other day I was looking at a vending machine. I bet you thought there was nothing but junk food in those things. Not true at all. As I gazed into the machine, I saw words like apple, honey, strawberry, peaches, corn and whole wheat, there was even a product that began with Mothers. How bad can that stuff be? When I take a shower those same, words confront me. The shampoo women use contains everything except steamed Chinese vegetables. My latest discovery is a bottle of shampoo containing Oak Bark and Kiwi…but no fruitcake….yet.